It all feels different this time. I know what I was doing with the last 23 days the first time before I flew across the pond. I was doing everything I listed above, and a lot more destructive habits. I was an imbalanced, nervous, uninformed kid wasting time. And while I'm still a kid, I've worked hard to strike a balance, read and listen more than I talk, and not talk myself down so much, because I really am my biggest bully.
Countdowns, it feels, seem to make me spiral a little in confusion. I feel like I can't get anything done, like twenty scholarship deadlines in March, or calling the eye doctors to order contacts, or doing the dishes because my world is crumbling around me and such a miniscule task certainly isn't worth my time. I need to concern myself with big adult things-like worrying about things that don't matter.
But it does feel different this time. Maybe because it's the second time. Maybe because I'm flying alone for both trips. Maybe because I have expectations this go 'round. Maybe because every time I close my eyes all I see is Italy, and my brother, and Jessica, and my friends. And right now that's really all I want is to be there with them. I want everything else to disappear and be there. But that kind of thinking is childish and selfish, I know that. That kind of thinking will only make time move slower and me miserable. So today I have two options: to live in the non-existent future full of fear and inaction, or in the present, while with a long, tedious to-do list, also a greater probability for me work for a more beautiful future than I could imagine.
So here's to productivity, balance, bravery, and contentment knowing today is a great day to have a great day, because really tomorrow is still a dream and not even a promise.
Until next time brave ones, cheers to the best present!
"The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, everyday. That is real freedom."
~David Foster Wallace