"Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold and hungry and weary." ~Henry David Thoreau
Of course, like usual, I'm being to hard on myself. I have experienced, tried, and accomplished so much this year, but in a lot of ways I don't feel better than the person I was nearly 365 days ago. I don't feel older, or wiser, or smarter, or stronger. 2014, in many ways, has left me more confused, lost, and tired than I wanted to be.
But, then again, maybe that's where my problem lies: in the wanting. I have felt like I've been in a pressure cooker for most the year to know what I want and when I want it. In terms of school, my religion, my spirituality, my body, my mind, my friends and my family. The truth is though I don't know what I want.
I don't know if I like Mumford and Sons or Jason Mraz more, or if I should ask forgiveness for playing this song on repeat. I don't know if it's okay to accept Bs for B work or if it's even okay to let myself turn in B work. I don't know how well I think critically or if I care to think critically at all. I don't know to hold four languages in my head at once and remember all the right words all the time, because if there is one thing I truly don't know it's what I want to say.
This year seems to me to be some sort of a 20 year crisis. I don't know who I am in a world asking for answers. I don't know how to step into adulthood, or womanhood for that matter, without the knowledge that who I am and what I'm doing is okay. That, me, with my pudgy stomach and recent penchant for pizza at 10pm is okay. That, me, with my sociology classes that force me into questions I don't have answers for is just okay. I don't have to pass with an A or even an appreciation for the experience, I just have to work through it.
That is one thing I've done this year: I've worked. I don't think I've worked harder at any point in my life than this year. Which may seem like a silly statement coming from a 20 year old, but these past 20 years have been my whole life so the work I have done means a whole lot to me.
One thing that I've loved since I got my first (paying) job when I was 16 is that my work never looks the same. Sure, when I was scrubbing toilets all the toilets looked the same, but I knew how I worked and where I worked could always change through my own volition. I realized early on that the quality and kind of work I created in whatever job I held depended upon how well I could respond to the tasks in front of me. If I scrubbed every bathroom like they were all covered in the same spots, or filled every breakfast order like no one preferred peanut butter over cream cheese my inability to respond to variance in my work would affect my job and my community.
The same principle has held true for me this year. So much has changed. My guess is that I've changed so much and so quickly that the only remedy to my confusion and wandering is to put in the work to find myself in the messes I've made this year.
Last year around this time I wrote:
"Dear 2014, from 2013 I asked to be "kinder, and wiser, and laugh more, and love more, and relax more, and write more, and see more sunsets, and have more adventures, and take more pictures, and read more, and learn more, and do more for others". I have certainly done all those things and more. From you I ask for those things still, but also for better ears to hear and better eyes to see in hope of finding a little more clarity and a little more peace.
Perhaps I don't see, or hear, or feel at peace as deeply as I had hoped, but I know (I hope) I will find clarity this year. If anything I will embrace this ever-changing experience called college in preparation for an ever-evolving experience called life.
I will work hard with the knowledge that sometimes that's all I can do: be okay and pass through until what I'm really working for comes along.
Stay strong, dear ones, and never (ever) lose hope that the sun will rise and new horizons will give way to beginnings.
I hope you bring in the first of December surrounded by those you love!
xoxoxo,
Michelle