At 4 am there isn't much to do except lay there staring at my phone screen or stupid blogs, but this is how I manage.
First I turn on some country music. I know, I know you're thinking "Michelle I had more faith in you! What happened to your taste in music?" Well, like my sense of fashion I never had any and at 4 am The Band Perry is surprisingly soothing.
After the music I hop over to some absolutely mind-numbing-brain-cell-killing tumblr blogs for as long as I can take, usually about half an hour, then I check my bank account to make sure I still don't have money, and then the real fun begins.
At this point it's just around 5 am and I'm beginning to plan how I can wake up my mom so we can go get coffee in an hour. A sneak attack seems rude and uncalled for, being that Mother's Day is only two days away. I decide I'll walk in her room with flip-flops on. Noisy and annoying, yet subtle and tranquil just like country music.
I still have an hour though and a lot of time to kill. I turn off the light, lay on my back to stare at the ceiling and begin the arduous process of convincing myself that I can and will go back to sleep. That effort lasts about two seconds before I decide I'm too tired to exert that kind of mental energy so I resolve to plan out my day.
It goes something like this:
1. Obtain an IV of coffee (aka the 24 oz from Wawa)*
2. Consume mass quantities of food (I'm so tired I permit myself to entertain the idea of eating first breakfast, second breakfast, and mid-morning snack all at once. Whether this plan comes into fruition or not imagining that I can eat that much food is amusing)
3. Do my laundry (this is a joke)
4. Clean my room and put my travel things away (at this point I'm audibly laughing in bed)
5. Go to Fair Hill (I love Fair Hill so much I almost get out of bed that instant but then remember the sun has yet to rise)
6. Purchase new work shirts (oh wait I have no money)
7. Wash the car (queue Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" They see me rollin' they hatin' 'cause I'm ridin' white and nerdy)
8. Clean the kitchen
9. Meal plan...
blah, blah, blah.
*Typically I find this amount caffeine obscene but there's a special kind of rush experienced during the purchase and consumption of that much coffee. I feel so hardcore, like I promptly need to go get tattoos, shave my head, and buy a leather jacket. I'm still not sure if this reaction is normal.
By now I begin to feel weighed down by the tasks ahead and turn my attention to how I can successfully exterminate the world's bird population. I hate birds regardless of their necessary place in all ecosystems. At all times of the day they are unnecessarily noisy and at 5:30 I'm reaching my breaking point. As I wonder how to legally obtain a life-long supply of hand grenades the thought occurs to me that I'll probably go to jail for throwing grenades out my window in a residential area no matter my target so I abandon that idea--for now.
I think maybe laying on my stomach will help me go back to sleep because that way I can cover my head with both my comforter and three pillows but within a few seconds I remember that respiration is necessary for survival and I'd really like to at least make it to breakfast.
I have about ten more minutes before I can go wake up my mom in my flip-flops. I need water and to go to the bathroom but neither so bad that I'm actually inspired to move. I start wondering about how many cool Office gifs I saw this morning and how upset I am that it's over. I think about wondering what character I would be if I were on the show. Jessica told my that I was most like Kelly but I feel like I'm a Kelly-Phyllis-Pam hybrid. Equal parts dramatic, motherly, and just freaking awesome. I think about all the money I'd make with my mass success on the show, but it all comes back to me not wanting to get out of bed. I want nothing more than to sleep--not even fame and glory.
I try to roll over and sit up because it's six o'clock and time to get coffee, but my body swiftly reminds me that I worked out last night and therefore won't be able to move properly again for a solid week. I flop back down on my bed and give myself ten minutes, in the process lamenting every moment of wakeness from the past two hours.
So yeah, in case you've never experienced jet lag that's how it works. Now it's 8 am and actually time to tackle that to do list. Luckily I've already crossed the first tasks off the list. At this rate I might just stay in bed till lunch.
A very tired, Michelle xoxox